Questions and Answers

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62 Responses to Questions and Answers

  1. Susan Snow says:

    My 18 yr old child just came out as female to male transgender. I have always known something was different but now I realize that my daughter always felt like a male. I realize now that when she told us that she was gay, that was her confusion about who he is. My husband and I are fully supportive and just want the best for our child. I wish I could take the pain away that my child feels every day when he looks at his body. This is the hardest situation to deal with because we don’t know what is next. There are no support groups near our home. We have sought out help for him, we need help!

    • It seems there is an epidemic of teen girls and young adult women who are suddenly declaring they are FTM transgender, including my own d for whom it came out of the blue when she was 15. None of this “always wanted to play football and trucks since she was three” or “had only boys for friends and refused to wear dresses.”

      According to a study in Journal of Sexual Medicine, which I read about on the “4thwavenow” wordpress blog, the incidence of girls who saying they are FTM has risen exponentially since around 2006 and continues to rise, way outpacing boys who say they are MTF. I’m not sure if we can post links here, so Google “4thwavenow wordpress why are more girls than boys presenting to gender clinics” and you will find this information and a link to the study.

      IMHO, these girls need careful, long-term psychological counseling before any sort of steps are taken toward permanent transition. I’m no doctor, but IMHO none of these kids should start transition until at least age 25, once their brains have had a chance to mature past the impulsive nature of the teen and early twenties years. Testosterone effects can be permanent and dangerous to a female’s health. In addition to underlying mental issues which may contribute to a girl wanting to be a male or feeling more like a male than a female, many of these girls are simply looking at the current state of society and seeing that it stinks to be a woman.

      There are many reasons girls today may want to escape womanhood. For one, females are judged mainly on their attractiveness to men rather than their intelligence or talent, or other more worthwhile traits. Additionally, easy access to porn may have exposed some of these girls to scenes illustrating that woman are nothing more than must-be-willing sex toys for men. Other girls have been sexually abused and retreat to maleness as a way of feeling more powerful, becoming invisible to or perhaps more able to fend off their abusers. Others are lesbians who have been exposed to homophobia and perhaps deduce that life would be easier as a “straight male” than as a lesbian woman. Then there is Bruce Jenner, who has reduced womanhood to ball gowns, hair extensions and and sparkly nail polish. Girls who prefer not to adorn themselves with stereotypical female trappings are made to feel as though they must be female. As crazy as it sounds, girls who like sports, computers, science and math and other traditionally male subjects, in some circles are being pressured to feel as though they must not be “real” girls.

      I urge parents to move cautiously. get your kid in counseling stat, but have the counselor thoroughly explore any underlying mental health issues as well as some of the many reasons why your daughter might feel the way she does about her gender. Studies show 70-80% of kids outgrow their transgender feelings. Again, I am not in the medical field, but just a parent who thinks it is sensible to proceed with caution, rather than put girls on the fast track to transition. Even though these girls are too young to vote, smoke cigarettes, sign contracts or legally change their name — it is easy to find medical personnel who will put them on a fast track to permanent body changes with hormones and surgeries to remove healthy tissue.

      Google “gender critical feminism.” Femaleness is being re-defined as sexy, sparkly, pink, pretty, and subservient. Just because a girl doesn’t fit this stereotype doesn’t mean she is “really” a male. A girl shouldn’t need to have disfiguring surgeries and be pumped full of dangerous male hormones to be allowed to wear cargo shorts, hiking boots and a short hair cut. Let your girl wear what she wants and go by whatever name she wants — she is still female no matter what she wears or what interests she pursues.

      Allow these kids to mature before allowing them to make such huge, permanent decisions. Explore underlying mental issues and read on 4thwavenow about the problems with the accuracy of the 41% suicide ideation statistic.

      This is an important message that is not popular in the trans community. I hope my comment will not be deleted. I am not trying to cause trouble, but just want parents and doctors to be cautious and sensible before allowing a teen to make these decisions. For some girls, transition may be the lesser of two evils, but for others who hit the “regret stage” at about 6-10 years after transition, it is a devastating mistake. Make sure your daughter is not part of the 70-80% who are simply trying to escape the dismal propsects of being a female in today’s society.

      • In response to the parent that posted about girls not wanting to be females in todays society. I urge you to inform yourself a little better and perhaps seek counceling yourself. Being transgender is not a choice it is how a person is made. I felt offended by your post and lack of truth in the information you wrote. Research is the only way you will learn to come to terms with your childs situation and accept it.

        • Hi Lynn, I am very sorry to have offended you. That was not my intent at all. It just appears that there are lots of parents of newly outed girls coming here as their first stop for information and advice, and I wanted to share what I have found.

          Why rush these kids into transition when 70-80% will grow out of these feelings? Why not allow a boy to play with dolls and wear a tutu, or a girl to play football and wear cowboy boots? One’s preference of material accessories does not determine one’s gender. Being a male or a female is so much more complex than the clsothe you wear or the toys you play with.

          I’m sorry you feel my post contains a “lack of truth.” I was conversing yesterday with three young women who as teens believed they were trans, but believe differently now that they are in their mid-to-late twenties. All three were thankful they did not transition, become sterile, grow permanent facial hair and undergo difficult surgeries.

          Some kids may be trans for life, but others grow out of the desire to be the opposite gender. I just want parents to proceed with caution. “True” trans kids may not have a choice, but some kids may come out as trans in a misguided attempt to escape problems or call attention to themselves. Parents need to explore all angles before allowing transition.

          As for my own child, I am waiting to see how she progresses with her feelings. I am open minded and realize she may in fact transition one day. At the moment it is too soon to know as she is just a teen.

  2. My story is so familiar except my daughter is 17. I have know now less than a year she came out at 15 as lesbian first. She has not come out to all her friends and family, We live in an area where there is no help or support and actually travel 2 hrs to get to a transgender doctor and 2 hrs back again. Feel free to contact me if you wish I don’t have a vast knowledge although I am strong for my daughter I do my grieving in private. She is my only daughter with 3 brothers so that is really hard on me.

    • Hi Michelle, I just wanted to check in with you and see how you were doing. I also have a FTM son. My house is now filled with testosterone!! URRGHH! (it’s a good UURGGHH!!) My house is now filled with Males. I’ve already told my sons that now this means I have 2 sons to take care of me instead of only one. Of course they both grin! LOL! Anyway, I just wanted to reach out and see how you were holding up. I do understand the crying behind closed doors. I do really well for awhile and then my wall starts to fall. But having support is really helpful. I hope you’ve been able to find something since your last post. Take care and God bless you and your family!

  3. Our daughter came out as Lesbian at 15 after spending 10 days in the hospital after cutting. She has recently told us that she is transgender. I’m not sure how to handle this other with understanding (on the outside but confusion on the inside) and the unconditional love the we have for our kids. But she wants us to address her in the male pronouns and this is so hard for us. We have no friends or know of anyone else who has ever gone thru this or is currently in the process of having their child go thru this. We accept our child for who she is, unconditionally, but we don’t know how to handle the current issues. We’re looking for support to ask questions and understand what she’s going thru. And help understanding our feelings as well. She has 1 younger brother and 1 older sister as well.

    • Hey their, I understand that you as a parent may be scared and worried as to whats to come in the future. But in my experiences that if you just listen to what he has to say then you can figure out how to handle it. My son came out at the age of 11, and has been going to school as a boy for two years now and no one knows he is a transgender boy. We got this far by letting him set the speed on how to handle it, we bought him a binder and let him change his name, then let him pick what to do next. Now don’t get confused about what I am saying, I’m not saying let him decide on every thing because with this course of action he has to go to a consoler every other week and me and my wife have to keep a close eye on him. So I am mainly saying just ask him how he wants to go on with it, like for me, we moved to mandeville two years ago so he could transition with no one suspecting it. Hope this helped!

      • Thank you! Yes, I’ve been letting him make the choices. I’ve done ALOT of reading and asking questions. We found a counselor who we can work with in the same group we’ve been in since the beginning. (it was kind of a God thing for sure on that one) I love my son UNCONDITIONALLY and always will. He’s found some great friends who totally support him as well. I still slip at times with the she thing. My husband hasn’t completely grasped the whole concept yet, but he’s getting there. We also have the binder and I’ve gotten much better about the clothes. (still hate the baggy pants, not sagging but baggy but we’ll work on that) Thank you for your reply. We do have a Trans support group that meets every month. We had to miss our first one, but looking forward to meeting other families face to face who are going thru the process as well. Again, thank you! God bless you, your family and your Son!

    • Please I am in need of help! My daughter continues to tell me she is pan sexual and she keeps trying to dress like a boy. She is my only daughter and I love her deeply. I was a tomboy growing up but she takes it further then that. On the outside I am trying to be supportive but on the inside I am so upset and don’t know how to help show her that it’s just a phase teens can go through.
      I am interested in finding more help with this is their a doctor or group other then my church?

      • hi how are you. i am in the same boat as of last night. have not slept. not sure how to handle all this

      • I’m going nuts here too. My son told me he was pan sexual when he was a freshman. I love my son so i tried to be supportive. Now yesterday he told me he thinks he is transgendered. That im having a hard time with. He swears be doesn’t want to wear fields clothing or anything like that which confuses me more.I thought that’s what trasgendered was. He is 6″2.and built like a linebacker. Hes going to be a jr. In high school. I would love some advice. Is he trans? He had always been picked on and such so my thought was maybe he is trying to find a place to fit in. Or maybe like most young people his age he is just trying to figute things out. I know i was confused at that age…. Help. Please

        • Tammy,

          About four years ago, my ‘lesbian daughter’ explained to me that she was really a straight man. It definitely took time for me to process that statement. Lots of time. Parents go through a transition, too.

          My advice to you is this:

          Keep breathing – in and out. I’m serious. Take care of your body while you learn about the path your child is walking. Forgive yourself for not knowing what to do. This wasn’t in the handbook.

          Watch documentaries. Lisa Ling has a good one from her “Our America” series.

          Read books – “Transitions of the Heart” is a collection of stories from mothers of transgendered children. Edited by Rachel Pepper. Reading stories that cover a wide range of responses helped me see what kind of parent I wanted to be.

          Find someone to talk to about what YOU are going through. You need a good listener. Someone who can listen without telling you what to do or feel. Someone who will ask you questions to lead you to your own answers. This might be your child, your spouse, a best friend, your own mother… but it might need to be a professional therapist. That’s okay. You deserve to have the support you want to give your child. Look for it. Ask for it. Find it.

          Journal. Write by hand. Try to write daily, but when words won’t come, make art. It doesn’t have to be good or eloquent. It isn’t for the world, it’s for you. You’ll be surprised how much you learn from writing your own thoughts and feelings down.

          It’s okay to tell your child that this is hard for you. Ask for time, and understanding and love. Show him/her that you are actively seeking information. You want to understand. You love him no matter what.

          My son is an adult now. He’s happy and loved. I’m continuously reconciling my memories of a little girl with the man I call my son. They are the same person, but it doesn’t always feel that way to me. I do miss ‘her’ sometimes. But my son is finally comfortable in his own skin. He’s happy, and what more do we really want for our children?

  4. Hi. I have an 11 year old son who has been asking me alot of questions about wanting to be a girl and I was wondering if someone can give me ideas on where to turn to get good advice. I love my son unconditionally and will support him 100%. I just don’t have all the answers for him and need quidance. Thank you

    • HI Misty. I found a wonderful book to read. It’s really helped me a lot. “The Transgender Child” by Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper. It really helped me in answering some of the crazy questions I’ve been having and have been asked. I made my husband read part of it a couple of weeks ago and it really helped answer some of his questions. (I’m going to get a few as Christmas presents for my extended family as well) I’m very new to this whole Transgender family but so far, I’ve been able to find a lot of support. Also, there is a peer group called 1 n 10 which has really helped in support for us as well as my son. Looks for groups in your area as well. I know they’re everywhere. I’m a big face to face person, so finding a support group for families is really important as well. I hope this helps. Good luck to you! Accepting it is the first and hardest thing to do! God bless you an your family.

    • felicia says:

      Hello, i was wondering because it has been a year since these post if you all have any more information or advice for someone going through this? My sister is going to be 13 and doesn’t know what trans gender is but has always hated being a girl and has made comments through the years about cutting her breast off (which are rather large) im not sure if she is trans gendered but it seems to fit what i have researched

  5. sophie roberts says:

    Hi there i think my 4 year old daughter is transgender, she wants to be a boy will only wear boy clothing and refuses to use the girls bathroom, I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she said she wants to be a dad, I have two other daughters and she is defiantly different, I think this goes way beyond being a “tom boy”, her dad and I except her for who she is and will love her no matter what I was just looking for some advise or other peoples options on this.Thanks

  6. Wow, im almost in tears reading all these posts, im a 18 year old transgender, (born a girl) who found out what transgender was only about a year ago. My family never ever addressed the fact that i was always a boy, dressed like a boy, asked to be called by a boy name, mentioned liking girls..and although ive always had friends and great relationships with people, ive still had a hard adolescence.. i think what you guys are doing is great and your child will probably never realize what amazing parents he/she has, only because they wont ever have to grow up like me. But please know that it takes guts and a lot of work to do what you guys do, just the criticism alone must be crazy.. your child will grow up safe and happy because of you guys, always know that! Love is the best solution for these kids.. they just need your love

  7. Hi everyone.
    I can see that other writers to this sight are Kim, Susan, Aubrey …. and on …… all typically female names. I have not seen any fathers actually write about their journeys during a child’s journey. I am a father, and my progeny is Chris (a good androgynous name) and is 22 years old for a few more days.

    I have been looking at a lot of info online about transgender. My transgender MAB (that’s male at birth) daughter just informed me March of 2014 that she (I have to keep correcting pronouns yet!) is “trans” as she put it. I was not mad, not shamed or anything like that …. just stunned. Chris’ mother and I have been apart since Chris was 16 yo. And Chris has lived with her mother about 80% of the time since Chris was 15 yo. That in itself devastated me, and I was never certain how it happened, as I often felt manipulated by the ex-wife, in other situations.

    Again, Chris’ revelation to me a year ago stunned me, and I frankly became most upset because apparently his mother knew Chris’ status as transgender for at least a year before that. I realize that it is up to Chris to tell me, and I felt very left out. And I am not a macho kind of guy, and am comfortable with who I am. I even worked as a Registered Nurse for decades, and loved what I did. I also loved (and still love!) being a father, and worked very hard to “be there” as best I could, which was a real challenge as I had no role model as my own father was rarely around, and was drunk pretty much until I was about 18 yo.

    Now Chris is just a couple months away from graduating from college, and moving back to her “hometown” from some 200 miles away. Chris is in the process of transitioning, and has been dressing in women’s attire, which I can see makes her more comfortable. I support Chris even though I am not quite sure about the nuances. I see all the hints about using the right pronouns, being supportive, and I don’t really ask questions ….. I just figure that Chris will tell me when she is comfortable telling me.

    Today I read some site that indicated how a transgender girl feels so good about being told she is pretty. Since Chris is my only progeny, I don’t have any practice with raising a girl …. and Chris is soon to be 23 yo now. Chris has been on estrogen since January, 2014, so she is developing a feminine shape, and seems more relaxed. Though Chris never expressed any desire when younger about wanting to be a girl. As Chris’ father, and one who just accepts Chris as Chris, I feel at a loss ……. a dad who just wants to be supportive. Yet, Chris has obviously already matured with all the masculine traits. So Chris looks pretty much like a guy (luckily she is only 5’7″) with very long hair, only with women’s clothing and a developing bust. Chris is happier, but I honestly don’t know how she will be able to afford much in the way of all the enhancements that I know Chris wants just for her facial features (the adams apple and beard and I don’t know what else). Have you ever priced laser treatments for a full beard?? Plus, I have been on disability from a traumatic brain injury for some 14 years. I am ok, but obviously, I don’t have much money, especially after all the legal costs of a divorce plus other legal costs related to my injury. I can’t really help Chris ….. it would take nearly all my retirement funds just to laser the beard, and that is all the money I have for my support in addition to social security disability/soon to be SS retirement.

    I feel so bad that I obviously can’t help much, plus I am not sure what Chris’ mother can provide financially. And I see a very intelligent, very thoughtful and caring person like Chris. And I am fearful of the barriers she may face in getting employment, securing housing, and how to navigate a satisfying social life. Although, Chris has many high school and college friends who are supportive, I guess, even though I am not in her life much since Chris is the typical independent 20-some person.

    I am not sure what I can do to help Chris, plus I am just some old guy, soon to be 65 yo, and by myself, yes, I will admit I am very lonely with all the other obvious losses I have gone through …. just looking at a future that is very uncertain for myself, and now I also have my fears for Chris as well. This is just all so hard.

    • Chris, it was nice to hear from a dad, my son just came out as transgender to me one week ago. I was shocked also, he is 28 and honestly I never saw any signs. He (she) has been on hormones for 3 months. He is not ready for his father to know yet, I guess he felt more comfortable telling me, I’m more liberal. His father and I are still married and I feel a little bad keeping it from him, but it is my childs decision, and I will let her tell him when she is ready. I had four sons and always wanted a daughter, well soon I will have 3 sons and 1 daughter, and I’m fine with that.

  8. My Daughter has made new friends tis year at school who had LGBT, and now she is changing. She is 14 and I read a note she made to herself about how to become a boy, with names she likes, and ways to change. Friends at school now refer to her with her Boy name, and call her a guy.
    Up until this year (2015), if I even trimmed her hair she had a fit and cried, (because she was trying to grow it out) And she liked Capris, Wanted girly boots, and has no masculine traits what so ever. I want to be very supportive, and help her through, but everything I read about transgendering is not what is coming from this situation. She will not talk to me about it, shuts me out and I can feel our relationship drifting. I really need advice on how to work with her to help in whatever way is needed.

    • Hi Lake,
      My daughter (MAB — male at birth) is older at 23 yo, and I was blindsided by her revelation to me a year ago, especially since my separation from her mother in 2006 meant that I have been around her very, very little in the last 9 years.
      So, I have no words of wisdom …… but I support her life ….. and I just don’t see her much as young adults are more independent anyway. I just try to emphasize how much I am open to listening, and I try to use the more “modern” means of communication like texting. Although I am tiring of trying to keep up with all the new toys like tumblr or #hashtag or whatever, that just seem like new marketing techniques for revenue purposes, and not conducive to real communication.
      I married late in life, and am a father close to Social Security age, and I just hope to live long enough to experience that time when “kids” start coming around again …. though I am realistic and I am not holding my breathe for grandkids ! I am trying to recall a line from a Carly Simon song that goes ……. “I just have to remember to breath.”


    • Hi, I am having the same issue as you with my daughter. This past Christmas she wanted cowgirl boots and girl stuff. All of a sudden she wants to be a boy. She hangs out with other kids who are troubled, all in their own ways. One of her friends goes back and forth on being a girl and straight, then she’s gay, then she’s trans. I am confused. My daughter still shows interest in boys as well. But I to add conflicted. Don’t know if I should support her or what to do? I keep feeling she is being influenced but she seems to feel very strong about being a boy, the thing is, she doesn’t seem all that boyish. But she is wearing “boy” clothes and shoes and it seems she is trying so hard? She is 13, can anyone help me out?!!

      • Hi Sherrie,

        It’s kind of a relief to know that someone else is going through the same thing as we are. My daughter is also 13 and, although she’s never been completely girly, she’s never showed signs of wanting to be a boy. She has been seeing a therapist for over a year for various reasons (divorce, cutting, father not really in the picture, etc) and has never mentioned it. Out of nowhere she tells me she is transgender. This happened about six weeks ago and I’m having a very hard time accepting this, only because we went from wanting dresses and makeup and having long hair to wearing no makeup, short hair, jeans and t-shirts all the time…I almost feel like she has never fit in and she’s trying to find a place to fit in. I will love her always but I don’t want her to rush into this when she’s never expressed feeling like this before. She hasn’t asked us to using any male pronouns but she has picked a name she likes…it’s the name of a Ninja Turtle character. That just doesn’t seem like a decision that was made by someone who has struggled with this her whole life like the other stories I’ve read and researched and seen.

    • We are going thru the same thing! Total girly girl our daughter was but has changed to a gender neutral name, binds her chest and wears men’s clothes. Just started two years ago and we don’t get it! She won’t talk to us either and usually lies to us (but we usually find out the lie very fast).

      • She was so focused, a leader at school, creative and winning academic awards..and after having an experience with a girl who decided obviously it was not her thing, she broke down, told us everything and it’s been hard since, she is almost 16 and this happened a year ago. She is now keeping to herself, drifting away from us and texting flat out to ????

    • Omg..this is me right now Lake.. I am so worried

  9. My daughter has been girly all her life. Insisted on dresses when we went camping, refused to leave the house without makeup, refused to wear pants, loved to wear pink, all up to two years ago. Now says she is transgender. We just don’t get it! Why this sudden change? On top of this she is lying and self harming (have picture prof). We have offered therapy which she did for a bit bit but lied to therapist basically saying we are the crazy ones.

  10. Hi Sherrie,
    If your daughter (at birth) is agreeable, perhaps she can talk with a counselor at her school or with a mental health person who has expertise so your DAB can figure out what she wants ….. as she is still young, and her “road” would probably be easier if her own hormones were blocked. Using blocking meds can be discontinued, and she would continue to develop as a female, but, just saying, as my son is 23 yo, and his facial features would need a lot of help to transition to be a female ….. laser treatment of the beard, “shaving” down of the adam’s apple, and other surgeries to “look” more feminine. I know, I know, this is all hard. I am having a hard time with it, mostly because I am concerned for my son’s safety, employment, housing, social issues …. though the younger generations seem more ready to accept these changes. I am open to listen and support, but I don’t have an extra $100,000 lying around to have the beard lasered.

  11. Joe,
    She has been seeing a psychologist for a while now. I just don’t get the sudden change. It doesn’t make sense to me. We really think she is just following what her friend is doing. Guess we will see where this all goes.

    • Sherrie,
      That’s about all we can do, isn’t it? I live in a metropolitan area that, I guess, is a major center for gender re-assignment, and I am baffled that I see very very few resources for the PARENTS of transgender children. And the web sites that are out there for local resources seem to be mainly interested in gathering financial support, when as a parent I am just trying to get my head around this, as well as be supportive. But my daughter is older, and doesn’t contact me much anyway.

  12. Some of these comments would be better served by a private discussion group. So I invite you to join the google group(its an email list)

  13. Hello all.

    I’ve just found this board and have read everyones stories and am going through the same thing with my daughter who is 14. She just told me she feels like a boy. I’m shocked because all through grade school she never showed any signs and was girly. Not overly girly, but she never showed signs of wanting to be a boy. I wonder if she is confused? if this is a fad?to be cool and fit in with a certain group of kids? or a phase? is she doing this for some other reason? I told her I love her no matter what and I want to be totally supportive of her and for her to be happy. I have to admit her telling me really rocked my world and I’m trying to wrap my head around this. She said her friends know about this and call her by a different name, a male name. She said she’s sure she feels she is a male and wants to be a male. I have been breaking down and crying when she is not around, I don’t want her to see me upset. I am worried about her well being and how this will affect her life. I am short and so is she, she constantly complains on how short she is. And genetics are what they are, she will never be a tall person. I am worried she will never be happy with her image. She kept asking for a certain haircut, a very short boys haircut, so yesterday my husband and I took her to get it. I didin’t like it, but I went along with it to make her happy. She seems more upbeat and happier since she told me about this and I told her I love her no matter what. And that I allowed her to get the short haircut. She is wearing jeans and t shirts all the time. No girls clothes at all anymore. I asked her when did she start to feel like this, she said about a year ago. I think maybe a huge weight was lifted from her shoulders. I do worry how her life will be. I know tg,s can have a very hard to time and I am worried about her mental and emotional health. I am planning on finding a therapist for all of us who specializes in this. I think I will need some help with this. I thought children who are tg would show signs much earlier then around 12- 13 years old. Am I wrong about this? Right now I’m trying to be strong and supportive of her but also at the same time I feel like I’m in a grieving process. I know this isn’t about me, it’s about her and I need to be strong and there for her.

    • Hello All,
      While reading your post Holly I have a very similiar story. My daughter who is 19 came out to us at 17 .5 yrs. Never before this point did her father or I ever think there was an issue. It seemed within a day’s time she starting dressing like a guy.
      She does go away to college now and all her friends refer to her as he or him. She wants to become a man. She has done a lot of research on the subject and has gone to 1 therapy session at school . My husband and I are beside ourselves. I am terrified for all the extra challenges she will be creating for herself in the future. I adore my child more than words and realize I have a lot of educating of myself to do. It is terribly hard. I did find a local support group that meets monthly and realize I need to reach out for support. I intend on going to mays meeting. I guess after reading several other posts I came to the conclusion this is not something that has to start when a child is 3or 4 years. There are plenty of older teenagers that come to the same conclusion.

      • Crystal Chauppetta says:

        I went to my 13 year old daughter and asked her if she was into boys or girls or both! I told her I’m pretty sure of the answer and no matter what I’m supporting you and have and will love you unconditionally! She proudly said she was bisexual! Then she’s been asking to get her long hair cut short and wears nothing but black T-shirts and jeans and boy clothes! I was so proud of her being so honest and brave! Then as we were talking about the subject I was getting ready to leave her room and she stopped me and said wait next thing I saw was transgender typed on her laptop and it all made since! She already has a boy name picked out and said she felt such a relief getting that off her chest to me! She’s wanting a binder but said they can be expensive and can hurt you if you wear them to long! She said after her hair cut she wants to try to come out to the rest of the family! Like I said I love her unconditionally But why is this hurting me so bad especially when I saw all the signs!

  14. Hello,

    I am just hoping for some expertise or advice. My son is 8 years old, and for the past couple years I have noticed that he only has girls for friends, always pretends to be girl when playing make believe, and tends to play with toys geared more towards girls than boys. But, he insists he doesn’t want to “be a girl” and will not talk to me about it every time I bring it up. My daughter is 10, and she believes that he wants to be a girl just through her playing with him. My husband does not like it at all, but I believe that no matter what, I have to accept my child for whomever he/she is. Is there anything I should do to promote him talking comfortably to me about it?? (I feel like he just doesn’t want to tell me or he really is confused) Or should I just wait to see what happens?? He is still too young to “like” the opposite (or same sex), so I cannot really even go that route. Thanks for any suggestions/advice.

  15. My 15 yr old daughter informed me two days ago that she is transgender. I have no idea what to do. Of course I will always support her but I am not sure if she is. She has never been a truelly girly girl but I wouldn’t say she is a tomboy either. She loves to paint her nails and mess with her hair. She loves everything pink. She had never been into playing with boy toys or sports or the outdoors. (She absolutely hates bugs) I want what makes her happy but also to be correct about her decision. Her stepdad and my side of the family are not excepting of people who are ” different”. I could never turn away my child but is it selfish to want to know for sure how she feels before I ruin my relationship with youngest daughters dad and my family? I had her 17 so I am only 33. I have kept her safe and provided her a wonderful life. It has not always been easy to make the right choices for her but I feel like for the most part I have and I really want to make sure that I choose to handle this correctly. I always want her/him to feel accepted and loved.

  16. Ok,
    My story is similar to everyone else’s here. I have a 15 yo daughter at birth that is apparently transgender and should be a boy, in her mind. I am having a difficult time with this. It seems like every other child or teen I see believes they are transgender. Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m not trying to be negative about all this but….I just don’t get it. My child has always been very self centered, all about attention but always negative attention. She has always been very defiant. She has always done exactly what she wants, when she wants and never considers the consequences! Hence now, with this revelation that she should be a he I don’t know if I believe that she’s not doing this for all the wrong reasons. I understand that no one chooses to be transgender. And that it isn’t done for attention, but again I know my child and I know the things that she has done in the past! She does have a lot of issues that surround her confusion, such as depression, cutting, substance abuse, smoking….but these could also be associated with being a teenager with issues. The thing that gets me is that when we sat down with a gender psychiatrist and social worker they just made me very mad at my child. I would walk out of those meetings angry, upset, hateful! In one breath they would tell me they wanted to get to know my child. This would take a year or so to do. The very next thing they would discuss is what did I think about hormone blockers! Really? No time for me to process anything, no thoughts with how or what the parent is going through. Which is exactly what my child is all about, she does not care who she hurts as long as she gets her way. Yes I’m mad, angry, upset and I’m not being asked how I’m doing with all this! I don’t want to call her a him, or by a name that isn’t her’s…everyone else can. She can dress as a boy, have boy haircuts, like girls or like boys (that all just doesn’t matter to me). Others can call her a him and call her by the name she wants, that’s fine. Yes I want her to be happy and healthy and yes I love her.

    • I also have a 16 year old who 6 months ago said she is transgender. Immediately started dressing as a boy and wants everyone to call her a he. She also never showed signs as wanting to be a boy but started having depression issues once puberty hit. This was the outcome of therapy and medication. Once she let it out it has been non stop “I am a boy” full speed ahead. As for us, the parents we are also confused, upset, and left to deal with our feelings of unbelief and trying to figure out how this happened. Because let’s face it, non of us want this for our child. We want our children to be happy no matter what, but this hurts, this is nothing i could have imagined. How does anyone handle this? I have to admire those parents who my daughter says have accepted their transgender child and use the right pronoun. I love my daughter, but I cannot bring myself to call her a he. It upsets her, but I just can’t do it and I don’t know if I ever will. This is too hard

      • I hear you Tina, I feel exactly the same way. Everytime I think things are going well I say or do something that snaps us back into reality. I try not to talk about things, hoping that it will pass if we ignore it. And when she points out a cute boy I become hopeful. When I ask how things are going she tells me I don’t understand and that her friends are calling her by her other name. Which I don’t care to know what that is. I cry at night and feel a sense of loss, hopelessness. What to do? She thinks when she’s old enough to move out she’ll make that decision to transform. I feel if she does that I won’t be accepting of it. I just can’t!

        • Hi K,
          Nothing we can do, but try to not think about the future. Its hard to do with all the what ifs? It drives me crazy and I am working on just thinking about today. Sometimes I’m okay and other days its a fight to keep myself together. I hate it when her friends come over and they refer to her as a “he” but once again nothing I can do. I keep telling myself it could be much worse and I’m lucky to have a healthy child who loves me, talks to me, and spends time with me. I try to think of what she must be going thru and the strength it took for her to tell me. I truly believe this is what she believes right now and who am I to dispute what is inside her head. Is this the future? Who knows and I’m tired to thinking about what it will hold for her. So, I tell myself that my job is to make sure she grows up happy, is secure with herself and that she is able to provide for herself in the future. That is it, I cannot make decisions for her in the future. Whatever, she decides to change will be on her and what she will live with. Who knows what the future holds, anything can happen. I might be here and I may not so, I trying to live for today. Only God knows the future and I will put my trust in him that he knows what he is doing.

          • You are a good person Tina, I have loads of respect for your ability to live for today and to be happy for a healthy child. Some days I think this way as well and others well I seem to not be so good. It’s all a learning experience!

  17. My daughter still show’s signs of being a “girl”, like wanting to see “Magic Mike”. She makes comments about certain hot guys. Says she can appreciate a good body. I’m not convinced that she is supposed to be a boy! A friend’s son asked her if she was going to transition…she said she still has time to think about it. She bought a bikini top that enhances her body, so really how does that say she wants to be a boy? She doesn’t want hormone blockers. I’m just going to keep going as I am and hopefully in time she will figure things out. Maybe it is just a phase, attention seeking. She has always wanted to be the centre of attention!

  18. Hi there
    My child is transgender. They were born a girl but came out to me last year as ‘Gender Fluid’. I find this more difficult then if they were going to be a boy because they dress like a girl one day and like a boy the next. It is so confusing and recently they have asked to be refered to by another name. This is also very hard. They are my only child. I don’t tell them how hard it is for me but I wish I could talk to someone about. We live in a small town with no support around. I am just trying to remember their new name for now. It is an ongoing process for everyone. It must be harder for the kids to go through.

    • Hi Lynn, My 19 year old recently informed us that she is ‘gender fluid’. It came out of the blue for me. Had no idea. I’m struggling with this a lot. Not because I feel it’s ‘wrong’ or ‘a sin’ or anything like that. It’s just so very far removed from anything I’ve ever understood before. I feel a lot of grief, missing my ‘baby girl’. It’s hard to have given birth to a little girl, named her, and then have all these dreams for her. Now that’s all gone suddenly. Even the name may go, as she, I mean they, may want to change names. How does a mom cope with this? All I want is to support my child and for them to be happy, safe and healthy. How do I cope with this grief? Anybody else feel this? What did you do?

      • Hi Glady
        I feel so lucky you sent a note about your gender fluid child because it is hard going through this alone. Having someone to talk to is important. I was upset when my child came out at age 14 yrs but after doing a lot of research I felt more comfortable talking to my child about what they were going through. It wasn’t until they said they no longer wanted to go by their given name that I felt devastated. I still struggle with remembering to use the new name and the right pronoun.

  19. Hi K,

    Same with my child, so it is all very confusing. 1 week after telling me about being transgender she cleaned out the closet of female clothing. 4 months later threw out all male clothing and went shopping yet again for female clothing. However, although wearing more female than male clothing it is all about style now and male clothing was just too boring. My child says they do not want the attention, but sometimes I think that is what she is seeking too. Nonetheless we are here now and even though she wears female clothing, acts nothing like a boy she still says she is a boy. She started letting her hair grow on legs, and eyebrows, wears no make up, but loves to wear jewelry. She is happy now, off medication, and states now that the she has accepted herself there is no more anxiety. I think all we can do is support them, love them and let them figure things out. Its hard and as a parent and I have good days and bad days, but I will be there for my child no matter what.

    • What do we do? I keep asking myself if I’ll be good with whatever her decision is. I don’t think I will be!

      • Hi K,

        You will be okay just hold strong. We all want what’s best for our kids but in the end your right it will be their decision to do what they feel is best for them. My child told me last night that all they want is my support and love so I am trying to understand. That is all we can do.

  20. Hello,

    I am glad to know that I am not alone and yes very hard. I’m lucky in some ways that my child hasn’t wanted to change name since her name can be boy or girl. However, talking about taking hormones, surgery and I guess doing research. Taking everything at face value and doesnt want to listen to our advice but I guess I can take that as still being a teenager. Is 16 and very impatient. I want her to enjoy her life now and not worry about the future. My life as I am sure u all understand is very stressful and emotional. I know this is hard for her too, but I think she needs to slow down. She has plenty of time to decide what she wants when she is an adult. I am sorry but i cannot support these changes now she is too young. This is very hard to deal with and I can only handle one day at a time and pray a lot.

    • Hi Tina
      I totally understand your wanting to slow down with this. My kid is 19 and part of me still thinks this is some kind of ‘phase’ that will go away. I worry that s/he is making decisions that will affect hir life. But I also recognize that I don’t understand much about this, and also my kid is not the impulsive type. S/he thinks things through, so I guess I might be grasping at straws with the ‘phase’ thing. My grieving is quite profound, as if someone has died. In essence, the kid I thought I had for 19 years is now not really here. I’m sure I will come to realize that s/he is still hirself, but right now I’m a mess. I think the suddenness and strangeness of it makes it hard to accept and take in. One day at a time and a lot of prayer is the ticket. I’ll think of you, will you think of me? Wish we could all get into a room together and hold hands for a few minutes! :)

      • Hi Glady,

        Thank you and yes I am thinking and praying for you too. I know it is so difficult and I understand totally how you feel. My child and I have always been very close so I know that is why it was easier to tell me, but sometimes I wish I hadn’t been told. I have a hard time thinking of anything else and worry so much about the future. This is life changing and hard to believe at times. As for grasping at straws, I’m with you and feel the same way at times. It’s hard to see every day and I have to fight with my emotions constantly. I don’t want my child to see me upset, but sometimes I think she sees my sadness. All I can do is hope and pray that this is happening for a reason and all will be done according to Gods will.

  21. Hi Tina,
    Wish I could buy you a nice cup of coffee and chat. It is so incredibly helpful to me to hear your thoughts. I can identify with a lot of what you are feeling. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and then I remember all this and it’s like a weight kind of comes down on me. For now, it’s like a white noise in the background all the time. What is so great is that my daughter is so happy and doing so well this summer – hir first one on her own in her university town. It helps my heart to hear what s/he’s up to and enjoying in that city. Also s/he has great support there.
    Now, I feel more like I do too, thanks to this site. Thank you so much! Prayers back. :)

    • Hi Glady,

      I live in Houston Texas. If your anywhere near here let me know and that cup of coffee would be great!. I’m glad to hear that your daughter is happy and doing well. I think that if this is the future for our kids at least the world is more accepting. My child actually has lots of support from friends too. My family is accepting of anything because they love her although I have not told everyone. It is going to take time to be comfortable talking to everyone about it, but I suppose that will happen eventually. No matter what I want to be part of my kids life so I will keep trying to understand. You hang in there, and know that you are not alone.

  22. My 19 yo daughter recently told me that she is transgender and wants to be a boy. She has chosen a new name and wants to be identified as he. Like many on here, I am struggling with this. She was incredibly girly until middle school and refused to wear anything but dresses. In middle school she went through a goth phase and only wore black. Once she reached high school, she abandoned the goth look and was teenage casual. She dated boys, wore makeup and was feminine in her appearance and manerisms. Just recently she was dating a boy that she was crazy about and talked of a someday marraige.
    Now she has broken up with the boy, thrown all of her girly clothes away and cut her long hair off in a buzz cut. She still gets manicures and wears nail polish, jewelery and bright colored girl socks…she is tiny and is very “girly” in the things she likes. I want to be supportive but can’t help but wonder if this is a phase.
    Reading other posts and knowing that I am now alone is helpful. I love my only daughter tremendously but feel like she is vanishing and I don’t know how to act or think or feel. She is seeking out counseling but since she is an adult, I am out of the loop of the whys and wherefores. I don’t understand and she just tells me she can’t explain it and it is just sonething she feels. Help!!

  23. Rae,
    I totally understand how you feel. My daughter is also 19 and her announcement also came out of the blue. She, too, was very ‘girly’ and also dated boys in high school. I also felt – and sometimes still feel – that it is some kind of phase. It is very difficult for me to understand. It’s new stuff to me. I find myself wondering if something’s in the water. It seems like everybody under the age of 25 is deciding they are ‘gender fluid.’ What is going on?
    My daughter did have lots of information for me. She is very well versed in all this but all the facts and figures just sort of washed over me. She is also seeing a counselor. And I have no vote either since she is an adult. It’s a hard enough transition learning to parent an adult child without this added zippy new twist.
    Right now, I have simply left the lines of communication open and let her know that she is loved and accepted no matter what. I struggle to remember to use the proper pronouns and dread that she will change her name.
    I am glad that I am not the only one who struggles with this. I thought I was a bad mom for not handling this with instant grace and aplomb. I know what you mean about feeling your daughter is vanishing. I feel the same way. I’m trying to work through my deep grief right now. It helps to know that other parents feel like I do. Hang in there. I believe that since we don’t understand it, we expect the worst. It will probably be just fine. Anyway, know that you are not alone. Blessings to you.

  24. Wow! The advise you gave, Tammy, was so informative and helpful for me and I am sure for so many parents going through similar situations. My child is gender fluid and I don’t always know who is who when they wake up in the morning. The only thing I know for sure 100% is that I want them to be happy in life and with who they are. I struggle with the proper pronouns and the new name. It is so hard. Thank you for your guiding words.

  25. Hi,
    Just reminding everyone that there is a private discussion group that might be a better place for some of these discussions. I invite you to join the google group at

    • I can’t figure out how the discussion group works. It it slightly easier here to see who has said what and in what order and to follow conversations. Can someone explain to me how to follow along in the discussion group? Most of the postings seem to be from last year!

  26. I’m so glad you found it helpful. I know how lonely I felt at the beginning of this journey. If I can help another mother along the way I’m grateful for the opportunity.

  27. I’ve been on a long distance relationship for 3 years now with a man who has a teenager daughter who lives with him. Next month I’m moving to live with them and getting married.

    Her daughter came out as bisexual at age of 12, last year she said she’s pansexual, she got her hair cut short, colored blue, and since this year she got it ever shorter and started dressing like a boy. I’m really concerned she might turn out as transgender at some poing.

    I havent met the girl face to face yet, so It is hard to me to know anything, I dont know if she only dresses like a boy or if she acts like one, although for few pictures of ther I’ve seen lately, she stands up like a man.
    She used to be very girly, and I dont know why she changed all of a sudden and I really dont know how to cope with it. Her father says when she started high school the other girly girls rejected her, so, in a way of being rebel and against them, she started dressing like that. She’s been suffering from bullying, so, she started going out with other bullied kids, who also dress like boys and have short hair, so, to his father, she’s on a “punk stage” and trying to fit in a group, but I’m not sure. I dont know whether he is hiding the information to me or he’s not seeing it coming.

    I’m 36 years old, no kids, and come from a conservative country, I’ve been living for 4 years in a more opend-minded country which really helped me, but still, I fell overwhelmed with this situation and I dont know what to expect. She’s not my child, and as I said, I havent ever seen her face to face, so I dont have big feelings to her or any bond with her. We have a good relationship tho and she’s excited I’m coming and she want to meet me.

    I fell guilty bc sometimes I fell kind of rejection, and other days I just feel acceptance and I would like to support her.
    Today is one of those days that I wish she was a “normal” girl, I now shes not a monster or whatever, but I’d rather she was a girly girl and do women things with her, like going shopping, talking about men, etc.

    This is something that makes me feel very anxious all the time, because, as I just have said, I dont know what to expect and how to act. I wouldnt like her to be a transgender, but I know thats something that I cant control. I’m always asking questions to my fiance about that, and I can see he doesnt feel comfortable with me asking so much, and making the same questions over and over again. I could say he even gets pissed off. But I feel I need answers, I need someone to talk with, someone who can explain me something or make feel at ease. The truth is, Im scared and I dont know what to do. Probably it would be different if she were my kid or If i had lived with her for yeas, but no… Im moving next month to a new country, to live with a man I haven’t spend much time with, with a step daughter that I dont really know what she is into, and I dont love her (as hard as it might sound, but its the truth) because I havent met her and/or spent time with her.
    I feel sad at times for this, I dont want to sound cruel, but I wish I had a “normal” family.
    I guess I only have to accept and expect the would turn out transgender at some point, the thing is, i dont know how to do it.

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